The other day my mentor, Humberto, was telling me about imposter syndrome. It was first coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists and refers to “a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist even in face of information that indicates that the opposite is true. It is experienced internally as chronic self-doubt, and feelings of intellectual fraudulence” (as defined by the Caltech Counseling Center). Researchers have divided it into three sub-categories reflective of general feelings: (1) feeling like a fake, (2) attributing success to luck, and (3) discounting success. All three of which are associated with similar symptoms including a belief that one does not deserve his or her success and a fear of being, “found out”, discovered or “unmasked”.

After doing my own research on the topic and some “soul-searching”, I realized that I, by actively deflating my ego, have subconsciously been causing myself to take on some of these symptoms. I have always preferred to be the type of person who is modest rather than overly-confident about his or her successes, but when it starts affecting my outlook on my post-graduate plans, I’d consider it an issue. Humberto was relating his own feelings of inadequacy to me when he brought up imposter syndrome. He attributed grad school and the resulting environment as the reason for a lot of the self-doubt he experiences. Being surrounded by the cream of the crop and feeling like you are expected to know things that you may not know yet is intimidating, to say the least.

“Are you considering grad school?” has been the question of the week. It’s a simple yet loaded question and being at Yale has given me some time to seriously consider the answer. It’s definitely not for everyone because it requires time, dedication, independence, and focus. Not everyone can direct that type of energy into a specific field of expertise for 5 (or more) years. Not to mention, the amount of trial and error and associated stress that begins to weigh over you may begin to compromise your initials goals and dreams. However, for me, a big aspect of my inner-contemplation with the idea, has been whether or not I want to place myself in an environment where self-doubt and fear of failure are constantly looming. You must have the ability to find value in your research and the experience as a whole. The title is one thing, but actually making a difference in your field (or even the world) is another. Currently, it’s hard to know whether or not I will feel passionately enough about a certain issue associated with the environment or the world’s resources to pursue a Ph.D researching it, but I guess a lot of what grad school is about is uncertainty.

These intellectuals are researching because they simply don’t know. They may have educated guesses or ideas about answers but they’re still uncertain. For me, uncertainty has come to define a large aspect of grad school and show me that it isn’t just about intellectual maturity, but emotional maturity. Controlling and balancing your thoughts while maintaining your focus. Finding significance in your work depends wholly on what you seek out of your research and it doesn’t have to mean saving the world. Most importantly, understanding that your path does not have to coincide with others’ and may take different twists and turns, but may still lead you to your final destination. It’s an arduous process and I hope that through the next few years I can build the knowledge, confidence, and decisiveness to figure out what next step I want to take with my life.

I dedicate this post to Humberto himself for showing me (whether he realizes it or not) that imperfections and errors will always persist in research and to stay optimistic and confident in your position and efforts that got you there. Error is not a reflection on who you are as a student, researcher, or intellectual, it’s how you approach an issue that says more about who you are as a person. Stay tuned for research updates to come and potentially more personal streams of consciousness. ;P